Posted by: Bill Tracy | January 30, 2010

Oh, Grow Up!

There was a comment made on a post a couple weeks back:

“Instant gratification came about with the availability of all that STUFF.”

My post said there have been suggestions made that the threat of nuclear annihilation may be at the root of a likely shift to a culture of instant gratification. This comment in response suggests the instant gratification culture may be a result of overabundance and availability. I don’t know. What I do know is that believing our needs/wants are so important they deserve to be instantly gratified is the mentality of children. A parenting education curriculum I once used defined “discipline” as the teaching of self-control. My addiction counseling friends are always talking about the client’s need for “impulse control.”

Lord of the Flies

William Golding's 1954 novel, Lord of the Flies.

The childishness of current culture is being talked about now in surprising places. A columnist for The New York Times, Gail Collins, wrote a piece about political behavior saying: “It’s all part of a cult of selfishness….” Even the arrogant Thomas Friedman wrote a column a few days ago in the same paper entitled: “Adults Only, Please.” He opined:

“Sometimes you wonder: Are we home alone? Obviously, the political and financial elites to whom we give authority often act on the basis of personal interests.”

This societal childishness was already creeping into being 45 years ago. Keen cultural observer and storyteller Jean Shepherd mentioned it in a mid-sixties radio broadcast, saying people needed to make a “Commitment to Adulthood.” In that broadcast, he relates a conversation he had with a friend. His friend said:

“The trouble with you grownups is you don’t understand the world of youth.”

Incredulous, Shepherd replies, “Grownups? Wait a minute fella. You’re a 32-year-old campaigner. You got jowls that are bluer than mine.”

Shepherd continues with the story: “He’d been getting away with this gambit for years, pretending that he was part of what we euphemistically call ‘youth.’”

He ends the show suggesting people commit themselves to being adults. He jokingly admonishes us:  “Be the first in your neighborhood to say, ‘I’m through with Eskimo Pies.’”

Anyway, all of this is an introduction to a post I made last September on another Web log I was publishing. I called it “Not Growing Up in America,” and I’ll post it here, edited for currency:

Not Growing Up in America

Daniel Quinn authored the book Ishmael, published in 1992. I read it at the time and was annoyed when he referred to the student uprisings of the late 1960s in this country as the “children’s revolution.” That societal upheaval seemed important to me, especially as part of my own personal history, and he was calling it childish. Sadly, I now think he may be right. More importantly he seems to have captured the whole picture of a society of immaturity that is now this country. Everything from political gridlock to road rage to overcrowded prisons seems like it can be traced to ‘adults’ who simply never grew up. These are people who have all the rights and privileges of adults, yet they throw tantrums like little children.

Congressman Joe Wilson

Formally, he is referred to as "The Honorable" although here, Congressman Joe Wilson dishonors himself by acting like a child yelling at the president.

Last September a United States congressman called the president of the United States a liar to his face in a joint session of the Congress. It was an unprecedented breach of protocol and an outrageous display of disrespect. Here was a 62-year-old man who his fellow citizens thought well enough of to represent them in the highest level of government. Yet he was too immature to control himself in the most public arena of the land.

Although it was a long time ago, there is one thing I do remember as a child. You were never supposed to misbehave, but if you did it at home it was understood as just childish behavior that needed to be corrected. But when we went out in public, the edict was iron – you do not misbehave in public and embarrass the family. If you did, the consequences were not trivial. And yet, even the harshest consequences did not involve physical or emotional abuse – or abandonment. In a lot of ways, that’s what we do with our misbehaving adult children today; we send them to prison with abusive terms and if they’ve misbehaved more than a few times we simply abandon them to prison. It was not always this way.

It has been 60 years since probably the first non-military, mass murder in this country. On the pleasant, sunny Tuesday morning of September 6, 1949 a 28-year-old man spent 20 minutes murdering men, women and children in his neighborhood of Camden, NJ. With a pistol he may have brought back from the war, Howard Unruh shot and killed 13 people. Any rational person would clearly see it was an act of insanity. When the police finally got him in custody, one of the arresting officers is quoted as asking, “What’s the matter with you? Are you a psycho?” And Unruh replied, “I’m no psycho. I have a good mind.” No one believed him, of course; his behavior was plain to see. At least it was plain to adults.

Although indicted for the murders and assaults, Unruh was never tried. Within a day he was placed in a maximum-security institution for the criminally insane. A psychiatric assessment said he was “suffering from a malignant, progressively deteriorating schizophrenic illness.” He died in October last year at 88 years of age, never having left that institution.

Howard Unruh

Howard Unruh (in suit and bowtie) placed into custody minutes after calmly murdering 13 people in Camden, NJ in 1949. (Image courtesy

It never occurred to the adults running the world at the time that Howard Unruh was anything but insane, and there was no cure for him in the courts and prisons. While his acts were unimaginably heinous, he was seen as a human being who was sick, not as a fellow human we needed to extract revenge from. That seems to me the difference between how adults treat one another and how children treat one another.

There was a story in New Jersey newspapers at the time of Unruh’s death about the death just weeks before of a man whose parents were killed by Unruh. His children said he had waited all his life for a phone call saying Howard Unruh had died, but the call never came. A comment made by a reader of that story is: “What a pity Mr. Cohen didn’t get his lifelong wish to see this scum die.” For that reader, Unruh obviously did not exist as a human being. The totally depersonalized label “scum” characterizes him. And I would suggest this is the way children see the world. Some human lives are worthy of respect and others are not. A more humane view requires emotional maturity.

It’s easy to respond to Howard Unruh as “scum.” It’s easy to open your mouth and throw a tantrum during a joint session of the Congress of the United States. It’s easy to put a man in prison for 25 years to life because we don’t know how to cope with his behavior anymore. And it’s easy responding like children, without personal or societal discipline, to anything we don’t like. Being mature, restraining our base instincts, that’s hard. But that’s what adults do. The good parent does not murder his child when he throws a stone through the neighbor’s window. He treats him like an adult who does not yet have the emotional and intellectual tools to act like an adult, and he provides rehabilitation through consequences and loving discipline.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzennegar

Boy Wonder and California Governor Arnold Schwarzennegar delivering a speech to the citizens of the state. Childish that he didn't feel a need to dress for the occasion; also childish that he decided a huge knife was a good prop for discussing budget cuts.

I don’t know where we are going to find the adults and good societal parents we need today. I feel as if I’m living in a real-life version of William Golding’s novel Lord of the Flies. If you aren’t familiar with it, a group of young boys are stranded on a deserted island after their airplane goes down in the ocean; there are no adult survivors. Although they attempt to create civilization in their little island society, they simply descend into vicious savagery. That’s what I fear when I look at our prisons and our political “leadership” and the disintegration of our families.

As the comedienne Joan Rivers always said, “Oh, grow up.” I hope we can.


  1. Regarding the caption about Gov. Schwarzennegar – the knife is in proportion with his giant watch. Maybe he shrunk.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: